Celebrating in style

It's not every day you turn 20 and I wanted to do something special, so I thought to myself, "What's a really unstable region right now?".

That's why I'm going to the Middle East, specifically Israel to busk and dance and frolic and drink til I'm pretty.

I'll see you guys in two weeks.

I feel better

It was good to get that out while I still could.

OH GOD I AM ONLY NINETEEN FOR THREE MORE HOURS

It is time for my second midlife crisis. My first took place at 9 years old after I ate some buttered toast and collapsed. Faced with my own mortality in a seafront café I panicked and thought I would never make it beyond 18. Well, I sure proved the pre-pubescent me wrong!

I also just spent 30 seconds spell-checking pubescent.

And I was right first time!

It looked wrong because my brain was reading it as pube scent, which I couldn't believe was right as it makes me die inside. Sigh. Back to my neuroses.

Any possibility of reaching 40 is, of course, ridiculous, so I think I am perfectly justified in having a wee crisis. In a few hours I won't be able to use "It's ok, I'm a wayward teenager with out-of-control hormones" as an excuse without having to LIE. I'll have to say "I'm terribly sorry sir, but I slipped and it just fell in there and we were both too polite to mention it", and there's simply no way that will fly!

I can't have angst. I know I've written about this before, but I still feel cheated. I need some unjustified heartbreak and an appropriate CD with which to open my veins. Maybe an AOL Dial-on-Demand thing. Come to think of it, I haven't seen any of those about lately. We used to have several hundred delivered each day, but they seem to have dried up. That was the time when we were actually using AOL as our ISP, so that made them even MORE annoying. Now that we've switched to strangely slow and poorly configured broadband they have, obviously, stopped arriving.

IT IS SO DEPRESSING THAT THE RANT ABOUT AOL IS THE BEST ANGST I CAN MUSTER AFTER NEARLY 20 YEARS OF LIFE

Can I have angst about having no angst? Some kind of meta-angst. Like that song Ironic is meta-irony because half of it isn't ironic at all. That's like me. On a scale of 1 to Angst, I'm Alanis Morisette. I can't be as well adjusted as I think I am - I spent most of my formative years on the Internet, dammit. I am so repressed it should be a crime. This is HONEST, man. This is RAW. This is the stuff they DON'T show you on television. This is REAL. So go to hell all you teenage pregnancies. I could've got pregnant if I wanted, but I am SMART. And go to hell all you junkies, stoners and dweebs. I could've been high, stoned or archaic slang but again I'm SMART. Maybe if I hadn't been so SMART I might have LIVED A LITTLE and I wouldn't have so little ANGST to be ANGSTY about, but I made GOOD CHOICES. I had a happy childhood, man. Don't put me on trial. I rebelled against my middle-class upbringing in my own way. Sure I didn't get a tattoo, or a piercing, or dye my hair, or wear controversial clothing, but for a whole year I replied to every question with MONKEYFISH. That's pretty hardcore, right there. Hey Trev, how's it going? Monkeyfish. What? Monkeyfish. What does that mean? Monkeyfish. Why do you keep saying that? Monkeyfish. Yeah I'm the wittiest man alive and that is DARK, man. Sinister. Grade A crazybatch. Better than getting a 12 gauge through your nipple and a butterfly on your lower back. My 12 gauge is through my MIND, man. My butterfly is sloppily tattooed on my cerebellum with a needle of regret by a retired trucker of missed opportunities. So don't talk to me about pain. You don't know pain till you've been to an all boys secondary school for 7 years. You think that doesn't leave scars? I've got hang-ups, man! MAJOR hang-ups. They used to be private hang-ups, but dammit now I'm PROMOTING them. So back off. Just back right off. You've had a hard life? Have you DIED, man? Because I have. That's right, I stopped breathing for a few minutes but you know what, I came back. That takes stones. Big honking stones, pedro. You don't know jack about either of my lives so you can go on and ride your judge horse home to self-righteousville. He who is without sin cast the first stone. That's from the BIBLE, man. You know the BIBLE? That's the book you don't care about because you're OH SO MODERN and RATIONAL and SCIENTIFIC. Well maybe there's a reason it's outsold Harry damn Potter. The Bible's been in publication for 2000 years, and I sure as hell don't see Douglas bloody Adams in every hotel room around the world. MAYBE THERE'S A REASON! Make sense? Make a coherent point? Everything has to make sense to you people. Can't you just take something as it is. Why do you constantly have to stare at peculiarities and draw attention to the difference. Think of the children, man! The CHILDREN!

PARAGRAPHS!

PARAGRAPHS!!!